Unfortunately, I learned it happens to the best of us. Is your partner not being accountable for his/her behavior? Seems to be caring and wonderful in public but then different behind closed doors? Seemingly changed overnight after marriage?

The narcissist keeps an ever “perfect” appearance to the public—so caring, positive, supportive, responsible… the man who opens doors for women, is always helpful and often charming. Behind closed doors, the opposite becomes apparent slowly over time to their partner. Most can only keep up the facade for a short period of time—yet some have been known to keep it up for more than 2 years or until after marriage. When the facade of love is withdrawn, the narcissist’s partner is in shock and wonders what happened to their seemingly “perfect” partner. By then, having fallen in love, they are in too deep to let go and try endlessly to get the narcissist to counseling, “fix them,” get them to be accountable, and help them return to their “real” self. However, that is the problem—narcissists have no “real” self. They are traumatically injured people who never develop the self. They create an ego self to draw power from others. Their partners, sad to say, are enmeshed with a pathological liar. They exist from their facade just to get their needs met—and only an intimate partner/person sees them fully and deals with the injuries they inflict after their trust is won. With no “real” self —they cannot love, so for them the entire relationship is based on a lie. That is why their
relationships can’t last and are short term. 

When the narcissist can no longer keep up the façade, they tend to attack, shame and blame their partner. They also feel a sense of odd pleasure when their partner feels pain over their behavior. Some can be very robot-like, lacking feeling from even simple pleasures such as a sunset or animals, much like sociopaths. They gain “narcissistic supply,” (adoration and power) from people they control, manipulate, use and then discard. They throw around the power they derive from their partner by showingly spending money, purchasing items to feel powerful and are themselves powerless and terrified. They refuse to be responsible and live off their partner emotionally and often financially. They must have constant attention to feed the ego, but when their partner tries to communicate with them they switch off, detach completely and get angry, or act unusual. They are themselves powerless, terrified and often impotent.

These are just a few common narcissistic ego defenses when trying to make them accountable:

MINIMIZING: “You are just oversensitive!” (Making your feelings invalid and unimportant).
IGNORANCE: “What are you talking about?” (Acting as though it didn’t happen—indicating craziness).
CHILDISH BLAMING: “You’re frustrating me!” “You made me angry!” (I’m not responsible for my behavior at all—it’s your fault).
ENTITLEMENT: “After all I’ve done for you?!” (As though spending money or running an errand makes up for lying, neglect, silent treatment or abusive behavior).
DENIAL: “I don’t have a problem, I just can’t do anything right for you” (Complete denial that never allows for change).
THREATS: “One more word and I’m leaving and never coming back.” (Manipulation to Trigger abandonment in you).  Or, they keep up the “act” and discard you in a moment’s notice sometimes just moments after telling you they love you! (Shock treatment.)
MAIMING: “Your business is failing. You don’t make enough money.” (Erosion of your self-esteem, though they are living off of you, even financially).

What is a narcissist and why do we attract them? A Narcissist can also be a friend, parent or anyone in your life—male or female. They make lots of promises but it is lie upon lie as their lack of actions to come through become apparent. How and why we attract narcissists will be addressed in Part II of this article in July 2016. 

How do you recover from such difficult Narcissistic trauma?  There are many techniques, as I had to learn them for myself.  Brain alignments and inner process techniques of integration help your wounded parts and make them whole, freeing them of addiction and attraction to Narcissists. You can recover quickly and easily and never attract those situations in your life again! Read more about how in Part II of this article in July 2016.

Janet L. Hall is a Certified Naturopathic Doctor, Kinesiologist, Herbalist, Biofeedback Specialist and Emotional Facilitator. Her center is dedicated to helping people “rise above!” anything in their lives. 505-294-WELL (9355). www.alternativewellnesscenter.org