In the first article (May/June, 2016), we ascertained a Narcissist is: A pretender and compulsive liar who is not able to have an intimate relationship based on love and bonding. The infatuation with their partner soon ends. They cannot hold their pretense and resort to control and abuse. But what causes someone to attract a Narcissist?
Interestingly, to attract a Narcissist you must be a vibrant, loving person with a lot to offer—yet have few boundaries. Successful women that are practitioners, nurses, massage therapists, care-workers and counselors are especially susceptible. They are highly successful people who tend to play small and are people pleasers. They are genuine, honest people who do not fully know their worth; they desire inner growth and love helping others.
They are highly sensitive, empathetic people who want to “fix” others who hurt or have issues. They are peacemakers; want everyone to be happy and are described as “nice” people. They lack strong boundaries; are often taken advantage of. They do not have full self-acceptance of themselves nor do they know how to say “no”. Feeling internally “never enough” no matter how much they achieve—they look to others for validation.
What causes the attraction to Narcissists? The person who attracts them has inner parts with needs that did not get met. They may have been hurt, ignored or abandoned in their childhood or past becoming highly sensitive to the needs of others. Everyone outside of themselves come first—a perfect setup for Narcissist’s to take advantage of them. A Narcissist fills that void, making them feel loved, special and cherished at first, then degrades them into worthlessness.
Allowing abuse/bullying is not showing love, as the abuser is injuring himself/herself just as badly as who they are abusing! Not realizing this, the person thinks they are being “understanding” and showing unconditional love.
How do we change this? Clearing the young, wounded inner parts of ourselves that attracted painful relationships is required to not choose that again. Establish boundaries! You must come first, just as they describe in the airplane regarding the oxygen masks. There are powerful techniques to honor yourself, meet your needs, self soothe, be empowered and clear the void within that caused the attraction. I use many of these in my practice. Give zero energy to the Narcissist— the focus must be on you. There is an actual peptide and chemical addiction to Narcissists that usually develops from narcissism during childhood.
Remember, Narcissists are also looking for praise, survival and security they never got. They tend to “tunein” to people and feel them out, making sure they get with a loving, safe person. Only problem is—they themselves are not safe or loving. You must learn to recognize the signs! They fear confrontation and won’t engage in it, as it could lead to their hollow-self being exposed. They experienced emotional annihilation in their childhood building only a hollow void to survive, which you fill. They continue to avoid life, living unconsciously without hobbies or friends of the same sex; not trusting themselves and therefore their gender. They get lost in fiction and movies to avoid real life processing and change. The goal with their prey is to idealize, devalue, replace and discard them. Therapists say there’s a zero recovery rate for Narcissists. They cannot deeply attach to a partner. They do not feel guilty, nor feel any genuine need to make amends.
A person who repels a Narcissist is much the same as one attracting them… loving, joyful, very successful; yet with strong boundaries. They do not hand over their power nor get hooked in with Narcissists and honor themselves and their rights. They cannot be derailed by criticism, are not afraid of confrontation, and walk away at the first sign of a problem relationship as you can learn to do.
Janet L. Hall is a Certified Naturopathic Doctor, Kinesiologist, Herbalist, Biofeedback Specialist and Emotional Facilitator. Her center is dedicated to helping people “rise above!” anything in their lives. 505-294-WELL (9355). www.alternativewellnesscenter.org